Two weeks before my ordination last year, I got a call from my friend, a Benedictine sister, saying that my friend Sr. Paul was diagnosed with stomach cancer which was very malignant between the third or fourth stage. After hanging up the phone, I recalled my first encounter with Sr. Paul. When I was first year at the seminary in Korea, our archbishop invited all novitiates in the archdiocese and first and second year seminarians to dinner to encourage our vocations to the religious life and the priesthood. The novitiates and seminarians were mingled at the dinner table. I sat with a Benedictine sister. After the dinner, we talked to each other and were surprised to find out that we were classmates at the same parish. From then we became a companion, supporting and praying for each other. She took her final vow in 2005 and started working as a campus minister while I was studying in Cleveland. Anyway, the surgery was scheduled a week before my ordination. And when I prostrated on the sanctuary during the litany of saints, I prayed three wishes to God. One of them was asking God to heal my dear friend Sr. Paul from cancer which I believed unfair for such a young sister.
The first person, besides my parents, I met during my visit to Korea after the ordination was Sr. Paul in the hospital. She was in recuperation after the surgery and six straight chemos were on the way. Over a month, I often visited her and we talked about our vocation in God’s providence and sometimes death. No body knew how the treatment ended up. She seemed to be OK with chemo. In the midst of that, I planned a picnic with her and finally got the permission from the superior general. At that time, I thought about the Korean poem that says life is a picnic; we come and enjoy it for a while and then go back our eternal home, believing it could be our last chance to go on a picnic together. I had to come back to the United States when she was ready for her last chemo.
Jesus said today, “Do not be afraid” three times in the gospel, assuring us that God even knows all the hairs of our head. It deeply touches me because God knows how many hairs of those who in chemo and radiation are lost and would cry for their loss.
After one year from Sr. Paul’s surgery and treatment, she sent an e-mail to me, sharing her feeling and insight in life with cancer. The letter begins.
“I have lived a year given to me like a bonus. It seems nothing happened. Rather, I have enjoyed reading the books I wanted to read, praying without distraction, walking in nature, being loved by many and being happy in the knowledge of God’s presence. I sometimes feel sorry because I am the only comfortable one in the convent; nevertheless, the sisters thank me for I walk with smile. I don’t know why I become like this…but I am grateful anyway…
Cancer has enriched my life with beauty. Many become a part of my journey with prayer and love and I feel God’s unknown presence…I don’t know why cancer came to me. But I do know everything coming from God is a gift that reveals the heart of God who carefully chooses gift for his lover. I know God’s gift is always beneficial and good to me. If someone says the cancer came because of my sin, I am grateful to have a time to repent. If someone says it expiates sins on behalf of others, I am grateful to be a part of Christ’s redemptive suffering. If someone says it is for the glory of God, I am truly grateful for being chosen to be God’s instrument. So I am grateful all the time…
Someone asked me not long ago if I was afraid of dying. I said, ‘I don’t know exactly. But I wouldn’t be afraid’…I know everyone dies. It is a just matter of time. I think death would be fearful when we try to run away from it…But once I received it, I am not afraid anymore… Actually I have many dreams to come true: many works to do, many people to love and to be with. But I have seen one of my dreams come true these days. Some say to me that they see hope through me—the hope that Jesus has given to the despair. This is my happiness…I believe God has taught me through St. Paul’s words. ‘I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me’ (Phil. 4:11-13). It is really true to me. No one takes away my happiness because God is my happiness in me and the Lord is suffering with me.”
Also being grateful, I have been humbled to be a friend to the simple and holy sister. And now I have courage to say that cancer could be a part of our life and even welcomed as a gift from God who always gives us the best for us. As Job said, “Naked I came forth from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall go back again. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord! We accept good things from God; and should we not accept evil?” (Job 1:21, 2:10) Once we accept death, there is nothing to be afraid of and, since Jesus Christ who freely accepted death and was raised from it is our Lord, what do we need to be afraid?
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