(Sigh, sitting on the steps of the altar) You know, people called me Matthew the betrayer. Honestly I didn’t care about other’s opinion at all because I knew ultimately money can talk and success will prevail over any humane things. So I had worked hard to be approved by the Romans, squeezing my people to collect more taxes. It was not easy quite often to endure the people’s cold staring, despise, and sometimes swearing. They just didn’t get why I worked for the Romans. Think about what if I gave up my profession! The Romans will find another who could be much worse than me. At least I have a good heart, not taking anything unnecessary and really harmful from the people. I had been very shrewd as well as efficient in placing myself between the Romans and my people. That’s why I had reached to the highest position in the customs post, supervising other-Matthew-the-betrayers-to-be, so to speak.
However, something was not right. After all those years of hard working and difficult choices, although I got money and fame being successful, but my heart couldn’t rest. It was just unexplainable because I got everything I needed to be happy since I didn’t care about other’s ideas. Instead, confusion and sadness overwhelmed me. Confused because I wondered why I spent all my youth and energy to be like this and sad because young workers looked up to me as if I were their hero. I felt uneasy. It might be true, someone said, “I am condemned.”
I am religious as well like the pious Pharisees although they think I am unclean, impure and sinful. I was raised a pious Jew who learned the laws and regulations and followed them with all my heart. I didn’t know where I got lost. Maybe one of the reasons for that would be I didn’t love my neighbors as myself. However, the unwavering trust in God remained in me and it probably led me to the unexpected encounter on one sunny day. Like the other days, I was uneasy and disappointed by watching the young tax collectors who tried to do their best to be successful, threatening and intimidating poor people to get more money in the name of the emperor. Looking outside, I found myself wishing to sit down under the warm sun which I did. Going out of my customs post and letting myself be exposed to the unknown would be grace, I am sure because “The gates of hell are locked from the inside” and I was the one who could open myself to be found…literally to be found! I probably waited for something, something that could fulfill my uneasy heart. But what was coming to me was much greater than that. It was not something but someone…no, the one named Jesus. When I saw someone coming to me, I immediately knew who he was although I couldn’t see his face because of the bright sunshine behind him. If you have seen the painting called “The calling of St. Matthew” painted by Caravaggio, you will understand what I am saying. Jesus brought the true light to the dark space of the sitting tax-collectors. His hand gesture pointing toward me was like the hand as God awakens Adam in Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam. I knew I couldn’t resist this powerful calling even though my finger pointed to my colleague as if I were not found. I realized I stood on holy ground like our great ancestor Moses’ encounter with God.
(Standing up) It changed everything. I should say it transformed myself to trust in God’s mercy more than ever. God is not vengeful at all. His kindness and generosity toward sinners are overwhelming. It was such a powerful experience to see that my colleagues who had been called sinners like me gathered around the table and ate with Jesus, the Son of God. How could I possibly find more trustful evidence that God doesn’t desert the sinners besides this table fellowship? God desired the undesirable people, putting himself in the same table. If the church is made up of the righteous and sinners, I have found the house of the Church in my house, of which Jesus is the center and participate in its table fellowship with sinners. I am sure that’s why you are here in the table of fellowship as well. What a surprise of God’s amazing grace!
I, once Matthew the betrayer, now clearly see. When my heart condemned me, my actions and thoughts were unacceptable. In my negative evaluation of myself, I had been confused who I was with what I had done. It is the best thing I have found in my life that God is greater than our hearts and I am not defined by my actions and consequences; rather, the mercy of God reminds me that I am not an irredeemable sinner but a temporarily lost son. I can rest at last and be renewed in the steadfast love of God, a mercy that softens my fierce and narrow condemnations. It focuses more on my fortitude, the choices I have made, and the paths I have taken than on my sinfulness, evil actions and their consequences. Someone said, “Man in his weakness and shortsightedness believes he must make choices in this life. He trembles at the risk he takes. We do know fear. But no. Our choice is of no importance. There comes a time when our eyes are opened. And we come to realize that mercy is infinite. We need only await it with confidence and receive it with gratitude. Mercy imposes no conditions. And, lo! Everything we have chosen has been granted to us. And everything we rejected has also been granted. Yes, we get back even what we rejected. For mercy and truth have met together. Righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.”
Thank you for listening to my long story. I hope it touches your heart and transforms it like mine. Don’t forget that we are like fish and God’s mercy is the sea in which we swim.
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